One of the Many Adventures of Legolas and Aragorn
by Eruthiadwen
Summary: A crackfic. Legolas and Aragorn go on many adventures. Once you go on so many, you know what to expect. Except for the giant shrew.


The Adventures of Legolas and Aragorn Parody

Rated PG.

A/N: This is utter crack. Making fun of the many stories where Legolas and Aragorn get hurt, tortured, etc. Not that I don't read those stories, or even write some of them myself. Heh.

* * *

Legolas and Aragorn were walking through the woods one sunny afternoon. The Elf and man were best friends, and have been through much together.

"You know, I think we should have stuck to the roads like Elrond suggested." said Legolas.

"Nonsense." said Aragorn. "Where is your sense of adventure?"

"It died twenty-five adventures ago. You know, the one where we about got eaten alive by wargs?"

Aragorn nodded thoughtfully. "Oh ya, that one. Well we should be good this time it's not like we are straying out of the realm of Rivendell."

Just at that moment the sky turned gray and rain poured down, drenching them. Aragorn sneezed.

"For one bloody time can you humans avoid getting sick?" Legolas asked, exasperated.

Aragorn glared. "I can't help it. Not my fault I'm human. Look, there's a cave nearby for shelter."

The two friends made their way to the cave and Legolas immediately started making a fire with the little tinder he had. Carefully, he blew on the tiny flame, attempting to make the blaze larger. Aragorn sneezed on the flame and it died, putting them in the dark.

"Sorry." mumbled Aragorn. He could not see Legolas's eyes, but he definitely could feel the glare.

Suddenly they felt rough hands grab them from behind and pull them deeper into the cave!

"God not this again."

"Bloody hell."

Now this was not the first time the pair had been captured by orcs or other foul things of the earth. There came a certain kind of experience from these type of things where instead of panicking, you simply went along for the ride.

Soon enough the orcs dragged them through enough tunnels and emerged into an opening in the cavern system, where a nice fire was going. Shackles were waiting for them on the wall, and Aragorn and Legolas were promptly secured in them. A large orc proudly walked in front of them.

"Well well well, what do we have here?" it sneered. "A nasty elf and a dirty man! What fun we will have tonight boys!"

Immediately the orcs brandished there favorite weapons of torture.

Legolas pursed his lips. "This is my favourite part." he said.

"Cut the sarcasm, Legolas." Aragorn grumbled. Then he sneezed.

The large orc advanced on them with a fire brand, obviously intending to use it, when the cavern shook and rumbled. The orcs scattered in fright, yelling something in their orcish language.

"What's going on this time?" asked Aragorn.

Legolas listened intently. "It sounds like... something large digging our way."

In burst a very large - ten times it's normal size, twice the height of a man – shrew.

"Really? What even is this?" Aragorn said, exasperated.

The shrew paid no attention to them, but instead decided to keep tunneling. And that my friends is how caverns are made.

Of course the shrew wasn't particularly careful about his digging, which in turn caused the cavern to collaspe. The man and elf found themselves falling into another pit, and landing hard.

"Oi, I think I broke my legs." Legolas exclaimed.

"Well I'm trapped under a rock, can you help?" the man asked.

"Aragorn, I just said I broke my legs."

"Well at the rate elves heals you can help me in twenty minutes."

It was then that they heard a snarl. Somehow another orc had survived the fall, and was now intent on killing them. He was not happy about the recent turn of events, and needed to vent his frustration by lopping off a couple heads. He spied the two friends and made his way to them, sword brandished.

Aragorn, trapped under a rock, could do nothing, and Legolas's weapons were lost somewhere in the rubble (plus his legs were broken for at least 18 more minutes).

Aragorn sighed in defeat. "I hate this part."

Legolas shrugged. "It'll be over in a second. I could do something elvishy and save the day, but kinda not feeling it today."

"Over-privileged elf."

* * *

One moment, they were trapped in an underground cave, the next, the were standing in magnificent halls carved out of black stone. It would have been an awe-inspiring sight, if it had been the first time these two had seen it. In front of them was a wooden desk, where an elf with an ethereal glow sat, writing something on a paper.

"Welcome to the Halls of Mandos," he said with a bored tone, then looked up "Just sign in he...oh. It's you two. Again."

The secretary pressed a button on his intercom. "Sir, an elf and a man here to see you." Then he gestured to a nearby door marked 'Mandos'.

Aragorn and Legolas made their way over and knocked on the door, entering when commanded.

A tall being sat within. When he saw who it was, he threw his pen. "I should have known. _Elf and man here to see you._ It's always you two! What brought you here this time?" Mandos ranted.

Legolas shrugged. "An orc with a rather rusty blade."

"A shrew." Aragorn added.

"Ya whatever." Mandos threw some clipboards at them. "It's not your time, you have a greater destiny, bla bla bla. Fill those forms out."

"Didn't we fill these out last time? I had a hard time remembering all my family relations and what not." Aragorn asked.

Mandos sighed. "Ya well I didn't think you would be back so soon and I don't know... they are somewhere on my desk." Mandos sat down, arms folded. "You know you two should seriously consider filing a complaint to corporate about all this."

Aragorn bit the end of his pen. "Already have..."

Legolas looked up in surprise. "You can do that?"

The elf and man handed back the forms to Mandos.

"Alright you know the drill get out of here." Mandos said, handing the forms to his secretary.

Aragorn and Legolas promptly did as they were told and left. Mandos sighed and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his temples.

"Sir...", said the secretary. "That elf drew on his form."

"What? Let me see." Mandos took the form to see a rather horrible stick figure drawing of Mandos at a desk with the words "You suck" written over the entirety of the form.

"Whatever, they'll be back. And _then_ let's see where I dump them."

* * *

Once Legolas and Aragorn walked out of the door of Mandos, they immediately woke up in their beds in Rivendell.

"It's always nice to come back to a safe place." said Aragorn, stretching. "Though after what you drew on that form I wouldn't be surprised if we woke up on top of the Falls of Rauros next time."

Elrond burst into their room, noting the now-fading ethereal glow about them. "Again? A simple walk and you still had to go get yourselves killed. Next time stay on the path like I said."

The two friends just shrugged.

Elrond produced a letter from under his robes. "Well anyways glad you two are back. Mind taking this with you next time you go?" he said, then tossing the letter over to Aragorn.

Aragorn picked up the letter.

TO CELEBRIAN. FROM ELROND WITH LOVE.

"Eww no!" Aragorn dropped the letter. "I'm not taking your love letters to Mandos!"

Elrond raised an eyebrow. "Really? It's the least you can do. Didn't I take you in as a babe? Shelter you? Raise you as a father would a son?"

"Way to go Aragorn." Legolas sighed.

"FEED YOU? TEACH YOU MANNERS, OR SO I THOUGHT. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GRATEFULLNESS IN THIS HOUSE. AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU..."

"Geez Ada I'll take it!" Aragorn picked up the letter with some grumbling.

Elrond smirked. "Thanks son. Not that I wish you to travel to the Halls of Mandos, but maybe get that there in a couple weeks?"

"Ada!"

"Kidding son." With that Elrond left.

Legolas and Aragorn sat in silence for a few moments.

"Well." said Aragorn. "What do you want to do?"

"Frankly I'd like to have a peaceful few weeks to just relax." Legolas said.

"Pfft. Your father wants you back. Pack up, prince."

Legolas envisioned their path to Mirkwood. Orcs, spiders, wolves, maybe a couple wargs. Perhaps Elron'ds letter would get there within two weeks.

THE END.


End file.
